I have folded myself into the cozy and comforting pages of the books, surrendering to my desire to read. I let go of that nagging voice of reason- ‘too much of good will not last’ ; ‘why do you need to spend money on books, you can always get free books at the library’. Except that the books at the library are never the ones that I want to read. I have forced myself to read books that someone else has judged as a ‘good book’ or a ‘must read’. Many of these ‘recommended books’ were a disappointment.
One day, I decided to indulge myself and ordered six books online. I had instinctively felt drawn to these titles and for once without questioning I paid and waited in sweet anticipation. The books arrived one by one in neat brown packages. For a week, each day I came home from work, a package would greet me, adding a spark of joy to the daily humdrum.
The titles and cover pages with splashes of colors promised an adventure. One by one I devoured them all. ‘At water’s edge’ by Sara Gruen; ‘Life from Scratch’ by Sasha Martin; ‘Little Paris Bookshop’ by Nina George; ‘The magic of ordinary days’ by Ann Howard Creek; ‘Emptiness dancing’ by Adhyashanti; ‘Pilgrim at Tinker Creek’ by Annie Dillard; and finally ‘The art of hearing heartbeats’ by Jan-Schendle.
As life ebbs and flows around me, books remain a ready source of escape, encouragement, inspiration, and a dear companion. It is sometimes an art and an effort just to let go and indulge in something you love without the baggage of guilt. I read on the train instead of working on my laptop. I read on my yoga mat instead of practicing my asanas. I read on my bed, next to my daughter, who is playing with her blanket, trying to fall asleep. Blissfully unaware of my surroundings, I burst out laughing and at times shedding silent tears. It was akin to the forbidden pleasure that comes from digging deeper and deeper into bags of chocolates and heaps and heaps of pasta.
Something shifted within me recently. I realized that I was waiting to enjoy myself; waiting for things to fall into place before I gave myself the permission to enjoy life. This is no news flash. I have always known this tendency in myself and others, but this knowledge has never transplanted itself into my heart, mind, and gut like it has now. What brought about this change? Was it the daily dose of asanas and meditation or that perfect road trip or the sudden realization that I am turning 35 this year?
There has and always will be ladders to climb, one more chore to finish, decisions to make, improve oneself…..and in all of this I have to make time and space to indulge in what I love best- books.